12/16/12 continued to be a living nightmare. Not the one with the zombies and monster…it was its own version.

It started to engrave in my heart..Yama is dead. Yama is dead. Yama is dead. I would escape to my room and turn on my little heater and sit in front of it. The house was so cold…like the freezer he was in right now…that was one of the thoughts that crossed my mind. I sat in front of the heater…warming my feet up in the dark. Enjoying the silence with my eyes shut. But, when I opened my eyes..I remember that just a few rooms away there was an entire house filled with people mourning.

I only remember certain things about this night.

First, each person that walked in would wail uncontrollably and throw themselves on my mother’s shoulder. I don’t even think most of them knew my brother. I remember one lady came in her high heels, black stockings and short black dress. She had long hair and a face full of make up. She threw herself onto my mother’s lap and cried….it was so awkward and kind of funny when I think about it now. Yeah, she knew my brother but the way she was acting. I lost my brother and I wasn’t acting like her.

My family from San Francisco arrives that same night as well. They arrived in a large group and they were heart broken. My mom’s cousin kept saying…how can I walk into that house and look at Najia (mom). My uncle from San Fran..hugged me and said you can’t cry because you have to be strong for your mother. He told all the immediate family this. At this point my ex best friend was here and I can’t actually remember when she had come to the house.

My sister was acting nuts. She was very calm and kept saying..Yama will be here soon. She was in this weird funk.. I think it was shock.

I don’t know..maybe it was just their minds playing tricks.

My cousin, Elias, was screaming in the parking lot from grief.

My cousin, Zabi, said to me “they said he is going to be okay.”

I remember my Uncle Karim’s kids, who I don’t really see …they were there too.

It is a really weird thing watching the entire family grieving.

I remember darkness all around me. Literally, it was Winter and the days were short and cold. More than anything, we just wanted everyone to leave because as a family, we didn’t even have a moment to ourselves. We didn’t share stories about where we were or what we were doing when we found out. But, at the same time, company was nice during those long Winter nights when tragedy hits and I learned that during that particular long Winter. Maybe that’s why I hate Winter and I hate December. The only good thing about is that my brother, Adres was born during that month.

At the end of the night, I finally laid in bed. My brother Hasib and his wife stayed over. They didn’t want to be home alone. My sister Geeti was telling them to go home because there was no room in our house. We had so many people from out of town sleeping over. But, I told them to sleep in my room. It’s a small room but they would fit and I didn’t mind at all.

To be continued


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