December 16, 2012 changed my life. It was the day I lost my big brother, Yama. Today is his death anniversary. In the past, I always expected to be extremely emotional on his death anniversary but honestly, you become emotional if you allow yourself. I think about him then I cry. It doesn’t matter what day it is. Sometimes I just choose not to recall the memories because it is just easier. Today, a family member said , “isn’t it sad that the family has forgotten Yama.” I respond to this saying ” they didn’t forget, it just hurts to much to remember.”
On my twenty minute drive to work, I tend to feel many emotions. Often, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I tend to get into my own mind about all sorts of things. Today, I cried on my twenty minute drive to work. I cried because I could still hear Yama’s voice in my head. It was one of the things I was most afraid of when he died. I thought about how I would eventually forget his voice but I haven’t. I hope I never do. I recalled the day he died and that time in my life. I recalled the days after he died and how it changed my family. The memories hurt just like I knew it would but I allowed my mind to go there today. I allowed my mind to think of my dear brother, Yama. I miss him very much and all I keep hearing is “fat fish what are you doing.” Yet, I understand that he has died but it just sucks.
Something weird happened afterwards though. I parked my car and went into work. As soon as I got there, they sent me back out on deliveries. I was back in my car and I was dreading it. I was dreading my solitude because that meant my mind would be racing again. Surprisingly, it didn’t. When I walked outside with bags of food, it felt like a cool Summer evening. I love Summer evenings. They are my favorite and my mood was so uplifted. The weather felt so strange and I felt strange. I felt happy and hopeful but I don’t know why. It was so strange. I can’t even explain what happened. I blasted some Selena in the car and spent the night delivering food to folks. I sang along to La Carcacha and Besitos. I felt happy and calm. It was a different type of happiness and I hadn’t felt it in a long time. It was kind like feeling peaceful. I wondered when it would ware off and I was afraid something bad was going to happen. Whenever I feel happy, I always anticipate something bad to happen next because I am sure I have cast an evil eye on my happiness.
Strange but good night I guess.
What do you think happened?
P.S. If your just reading this for the first time..feel to read the Yama series on my previous blog.
Love,
Frshta
Beautiful. My heart is with u. X
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Love you Frshta. It’s the many stages of grieving. People who are loved and not forgotten, everyone grieves in their own way. That is a private matter.💕
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