First, Ramadan Mubarak aka Happy Ramadan!
My blogs might be shorter for the next couple of weeks because of my lack of energy and sleep, but I will do my best.
For the month of Ramadan, I wake up at 4 am for breakfast and prayer. This takes about an hour. Then I try to fall back asleep which takes some time. By the time you know it, I have to be up for work. I have two jobs that require mental and physical engagement. So by the time, 7:30 pm comes along I am thirsty, hungry, and lack energy for nothing but eating. Ha! So be patient with me friends!
Also, I have some new readers. I wanted to mention that I have been writing on this blog for two years. If you want to read some of my previous work…go to http://www.frshta.com and you will see my previous writing. If you go to “archives,” you can read about the death of my brother, “Yama.” If you scroll down on the same page to the bottom, you will see the word “archives” and you can scroll to each month’s writing. Check it out! Some of my short films are up as well!
March 2020 my sister-in-law gave us the news that she was going to have a baby. It would be the first baby in our immediate family since I was born. We were all filled with excitement and joy. A little while later, she had a small gender reveal gathering. It was during quarantine therefore only immediate family was there. Luckily, we all live together in a house so getting together in the backyard was safe. My sister-in-law only invited her parents.
Everyone was wearing blue. I was the only one that was in pink. Even family members that were on facetime to see the reveal all wanted the baby to be a boy. Before we even knew what the gender was one of my uncles told my brother a.k.a. the father to be “you better pray hard that it’s not a girl.” There were comments like these being said all around.
My cousin’s wife just had a baby girl not too long ago and no one was excited about it. When my brother popped the balloon for the gender reveal, blue confetti came out. Everyone got their wish, it was a boy. I can’t even explain how I felt. It’s not like everyone was bashing the female gender but it was more like they were relieved. No one said anything but there was this energy of YES it’s going to be a boy. I’m not sure if that makes sense.
Now the same cousin’s wife, that had a girl, is pregnant again with a boy. Now everyone is excited about the baby boy.
I know I have talked about this a lot on this blog about gender equality in my culture and in my life. I guess I keep bringing it up because I still haven’t healed from this trauma.
My nephew is here and I love him. Everyone loves him but would they have loved him less if he was a girl?
My mother has said that in every culture in the entire world boys are usually preferred. I grew up with four brothers and about ten guy cousins. My sister and I were the only two girls. I spent the majority of my life trying not to disappoint my family and it still isn’t enough. It’s like all my accomplishments mean nothing. The boys in the family can rob a bank and it wouldn’t be that bad but if I got a paper cut it would be an attack on my gender.
My entire life everything that has happened to me goes back to my God-given gender, being a girl.
Sometimes I wonder when my mom found out that I was going to be a girl, was everybody disappointed? Did they all question my future or did they assume what my future would be?
Gosh, I wish it didn’t hurt me as much as it does. It hurts so much that no matter what I do I am never going to be enough. The sad part is they will never change. Trust me, the battle for women’s rights is a constant headline in my family and it is usually lead by me. Right now, at this very moment, I feel nothing. It is what it is and that’s okay.
Thank you for reading.
If you prefer listening, here is the podcast version!