“What are we without faith?”
“To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders” – Lao Tzu
There was no inspiration to write this week. I felt numb, lost, and silent, yet loud at the same time. There were a lot of emotions running through me this past week. Mostly, I felt nothing. I was just going through the motions. I thought about skipping the blog this week but I know that isn’t the answer. Many of professors in graduate school argued that there is no such thing as writer’s block. Writing is a muscle that just needs to be exercised every day for it to get better. Therefore, I am choosing to write even though it might not be of quality.
I took a blood test a couple of months ago that showed a positive for autoimmune disease. My primary care doctor explained that it might be arthritis and I needed to see a specialist. The specialist took a blood test and a urine test. The results showed no signs of an autoimmune disease…yet. The doctor said it might be too early or it might be nothing. She wants me to follow up every three months. This is a good thing but I can’t help but feel apprehensive about what’s to come. My thyroid is a little elevated so I have to check that too.
At the same time, I feel like I have some type of arthritis. My hands, wrist, and knees and always aching. Mostly my hands and wrist but it might just be from overuse.
I can’t do a lot of my workouts anymore. I think when I use to work out in group training, I just ruined my body. I can’t do sit-ups anymore because my neck hurts which then gives me a headache. I can’t do planks, push-ups, or anything that require too much weight on my hands. I can’t do squats or anything that hurts my knees. It sucks because I never had these problems before. I think a lot of this goes back to overworking my body. Society is consistently told that we must work hard and push ourselves. That’s what I did because I wanted results. Well, I didn’t get results and now I have all of these injuries.
I remember one time my old trainer had my friend Tracy and I do twenty-four burpees non- stop. I did the burpees but I felt my body hurting. My knee had a sharp pain but I kept going because I wanted to push myself. After that day, I started having a lot of knee pain. I probably will have knee pain forever.
I should have listened to my body. I should have loved my body more and let myself rest. My body was exhausted on so many different levels. My joints started hurting whenever the weather got cold.
Anyways, arthritis would have helped make sense out of all of this but the doctor is ruling it out for now. I do feel a bit of guilt because I think I did this to myself. I’ve mentally burned myself out and physically.
Before I just felt overweight but now I feel like I am aging, I am overweight and unattractive. My posture is a constant problem too.
I miss working out but I am scared at the same time. Last week, I went for a run and at the same time, I started getting neck pain. What did I do wrong now? It became progressively worse and it was hurting for three days. It was so painful that I took an anti-inflammatory pill which is supposed to be for my joints.
Also, I just can’t wait for the day where I have more time. More time to walk, stretch, hit the gym, and just slow down. I would love to make time for yoga and boxing.
When I try to move on my own…everything just hurts.
Confidence is so important and right now I don’t have any confidence at all. Especially when I look in the mirror. All I see are my flaws. My thick neck, my smile wrinkles, and my wide body. I have aches everywhere. One day it’s my back, then my neck, then my feet, and so on.
In order to face the world, we need confidence. I can’t find mine right now. I think I need another haircut because that helps with my confidence usually.
How do we love ourselves? I mean I say I love myself but do I really? Do I love myself enough to take a break? I guess not.