*After I wrote some of this blog, I told myself that I don’t want to post it. I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of my failures. Still, I kept writing. I thought maybe I can share this with my therapist. Once I finished writing it, I changed my mind. This is part of my truth. This is part of be my authentic self. I struggle a lot with my own self image but I work on it every single day. Some days are really bad but some days are amazing and inspiring. Some days I feel like a failure. It’s my truth. I hate tooting my own horn. One my issues with therapy is that it’s always about me but that’s what I am there for. Sometimes it has to be about you. I think it’s important for me to recognize when it’s okay to be selfish. It’s okay to toot my own horn sometimes. It doesn’t mean I am selfish or arrogant. It is just giving grace to myself and taking a moment to celebrate my successes.
Last weeks blog was about Lisa Kudrow aka Phoebe from Friends. One of the best lines of her speech was “thank God I was fired.”
The theme of this Summer for me, so far, has been getting over my failures and trying to move.
I have felt like a failure for a long time.
I have accomplished a lot but I haven’t accomplished things that I wanted to be successful in.
I failed at the film industry.
I have not be able to obtain a college level course to teach.
I have not been able to purchase a home.
I have not been able to loose weight.
I have not been open a business.
I have not been able to write a book.
I have not been able to produce my own film content.
I have not been able to read more books.
I have not been able to learn how to draw
I have not been able to meditate everyday.
I have not been able to eat cleaner.
I have not been able to read my Quran more often.
I have not been able to design my own clothes.
I keep thinking of things I have not even able to do. LOL
I am very self aware. I realize that I need to change my mindset for my own sake. There are days that I just sit in my failures and it paralyzes me.
But, life is so much more than my list of goals. It’s hard to shift my mindset.
At the same time, it is hard for me to tackle this list. I try and I feel like I can’t. Instead, I watch a show or I just sleep or rest. I think some of these goals feel unreachable or what’s the point? Like what’s the point of creating content? Is anyone even going to watch it? Or, I want to create content but I don’t know how to fix the audio or edit the content. Why don’t I find someone to help me? I have tried that and I can’t rely on anyone. Not in a bad way but everyone has their own priorities.
I think this type of mindset started because in the past when I tried…it just never worked out. I’d give it my all and it wasn’t enough. So it’s easier to just not try because it will be one less thing to be disappointed about. Somethings just feel impossible.
I am going to waste my life away like this if I don’t change. No one can help me other than myself. I know this but I just feel paralyzed. Am I paralyzed in grief? I think I am afraid of trying something and then going back ten steps again.
So how do I shift my thinking?
I am great with people.
I can connect with them.
I can empathize.
I am an animal lover.
I am a Muslim feminist.
I completed two degrees.
I post on my blog once a week.
I had a YouTube channel once.
I have tried piano, and art.
I am a good daughter.
I have money saved.
I have been able to keep long term jobs.
I consistently exercise.
I am mindful of God.
I have been getting eight hours of sleep.
I started therapy.
I tried a different hair style.
I reach ten thousand steps at least four times a week.
I can run a mile.
I purchased new shoes that make me feel good.
I interned at a coffee shop.
I started putting together a business plan.
I redid my room this year.
I used an incubator to hatch my chicks.
I have been reaching out to old friends.
I have been sober forever.
I took some photos of myself.
I have been putting together new outfits.
I have been able to have difficult conversations with friends about our friendships.
I started investing in stocks.
I am searching for a condo.
I wrote out the story of Yama.
I speak a bit more Spanish now.
I am learning about auto mechanic and I might teach it.
I finished the TESOL program for teaching abroad.
I started my new writing project.
I try to be my authentic self every single day.
I have tried new foods.
I worked consistently as a teacher for an entire year including Summer school for the first time ever.
I spend quality time with my mom every week.
I write for my blog every single week even when I don’t feel like it..even when no one reads it.
I learned how to teach a class online.
I have been patient with my students.
I watched some really good shows.
I spend time with my nephew.
I have tried to maintain healthy relationships with family, friends, coworkers and so on.
I ask more questions when I don’t understand something.
More than any of this I am good person. I am a loyal person. I am hardworking. I am trustworthy.
God is with you Frshta. Even if you don’t always feel it. God will help you move. Just trust my love. Be kind to yourself. Don’t give yourself chores instead be happy and mindful when you do these things. I am not paralyzed. I am not a failure. Just do what I want to do. It is that easy Frshta. You are not a failure. I am not a failure. I don’t feel a connection to all my words here but it’s a start. God, I am trying everyday.
Thank you for reading.