Feelings

I have so many of them.

I have not felt 100 percent this Ramadan. I am mentally off some days. I have kept myself centered through the chaos. I understand that things can be out of my control, and I must accept that. So what is bursting my bubble and causing this unbalancedness while I try to steady myself?

I usually have a good relationship with my mom, but I have been snapping at her lately. She has been approaching me with things I’m afraid I have to disagree with.

My sister and I have been at each other for the last few weeks. I decided to stick up for myself, which led to a disagreement, and now I want her to leave me alone. I don’t particularly appreciate people avoiding the problem; she thinks everything can return to normal. The disagreement was about my feelings toward what one of my brothers said. She just brushed it off and called me emotional. I asked her, ” Do you understand how many times you have come to me with some bull shit, and I sat there and listened to you even though I didn’t care or was tired? I need space from her.

My brother accused me of drinking water while I was fasting, and maybe he was joking, but after an entire day of no food or water, the last thing I want is for someone to accuse me of not doing that. I take Ramadan seriously, and I respect the month. How dare he say that to me?

My other brother needs more money for this house he is trying to purchase. I don’t understand why he is trying to buy something he can’t afford. He has been doing this his whole life. He is always trying to buy stuff he can’t afford. Then he gets into debt and slowly pays people back. My strategy is that if you can’t afford it, don’t do it. So the whole is a frenzy about this because he gets everyone involved.

My best friend told me that writer needs to have good grammar because if you don’t, people won’t understand what you are writing. He was saying this about himself. It made me reflect on myself. My grammar sucks. It doesn’t come naturally to me at all. So am I a bad writer? Yeah, I am. It took me back to the feelings of not having talent, but this time it was different. Why am I writing so much when I am not good at it? Enjoying something isn’t enough. Yes, I write for fun, but someday I want to write a novel, but what is the point if the writing sucks? That is what an editor is for. All of it seems so far out of reach.

Lately, I have been feeling poorly and needing to bring in more money. I am not saving enough, and I don’t have enough. It stemmed from my brother buying a house, mostly in cash. Good for him, but I can’t help but feel so inadequate. I want things like shoes, but I stop myself. I want to enjoy fancy restaurants, but I stop myself.

I am slowly moving towards the coffee cart business, but even that feels like I have to spend a lot of money. Here I am wondering if I should even do this when I should save every penny for my condo/townhouse, but I have been saying it for so long, and I still can’t find anything, so how much longer?

I remind myself that these are all wants. The most important thing has good health.

A customer told me I don’t look Muslim because I am not dark enough. She said I am lucky I don’t look Muslim or Middle Eastern. I just started at her.

I keep telling myself to return to feeling centered and balanced and find my peace. Stop stressing out. Just let it roll off your shoulders, but I am afraid I will be in the same life position forever if I take things too slow and easy.

On a positive note, I am grateful for Spring break and for spending time with my friends. I was able to make time to see my best friends. I am thankful for my jobs and for my animals. I am grateful for my adorable nephew. I am thankful for not being depressed; instead, I am trying to understand my emotions and try my best to deal with them. I apologize to my readers. I want to be a better writer. All I can do is keep trying. I am working on myself every day.

Love,

Frshta