I have been trying to establish new habits to incorporate into my weekly routine. One of the most challenging habits is trying to wake up for morning prayer. The time for morning prayer changes based on the time that the sunrises. So, the first week it was around 5:25 a.m., but now that I am on week three, it is around 5:39. Hurray for more sleep.

I wake up abruptly from the alarm, and sometimes, it feels like I haven’t even slept. I swear, I just shut my eyes five minutes ago, and now I must wake up. Some days, I turn off the alarm and go back to sleep. Sleep wins the battle those days or satan. But, other days, I do wake up. I feel guilt when I don’t. I try to wake up for prayer at least three times a week. At first, it was just once a week, but now I have increased the number.

This week, I have been yearning to wake up, especially today. I woke up late for prayer, but I still wanted to pray. So I bathed, put on my prayer clothes, and laid down my prayer mat. I prayed. There is something magical about being up before the sunrise. There is this peaceful energy and calmness. When I don’t wake up for prayer, I miss the peacefulness.

Right after I pray, I would love to stay up, have some tea, and then hit the gym, but that has not happened. I either wake up for the gym or pray. Right after prayer, I fall back asleep until 7:30 a.m.

Today, I was pretty wide awake after prayer but didn’t get up. Honestly, I just didn’t want the day to start. Another day of driving all around the valley from one job to another job to another and then add in a gym session and a home session for lunch and a change of clothes. I felt mentally tired. I just didn’t want to get up. I wanted to feel the simplicity of lying in bed and doing nothing during a cold Fall morning. I had my heated blanket on and fell asleep until Mom woke me up for work. As usual, I am full of regret, because now I will be late for work, again.

My life has changed a lot since the Summer. I teach ESL, STEP ACADEMIC, ESL & Accounting, first-year freshman writing, and my restaurant job and coffee cart business. I work seven days a week. I spend each moment of the day as efficiently as possible. I try to exercise three times a week at my HIIT gym, and I get my steps in on my long walks on the weekend. I have three home-cooked meals, and sometimes, that means coming home after a long day and making dinner.

When I used to serve more, my legs would be sore, but now my back is sore from teaching online and sitting behind a desk. I try to stand, but some other part of me hurts.

To top it off, I got paid this week and was crushed. I couldn’t believe how much taxes took for me. It isn’t about the money. It’s the fact that I work multiple jobs, and my income still sucks. After looking at my paycheck, I was even more tired.

Was adding these jobs even a good idea? Did I make the wrong choice? I want to cry, but emotional exhaustion. To top it off, people I love are struggling just like me. My students are working on personal narrative essays this week, and they are struggling. I just want to hug them and tell them they know what’s coming. Brace yourself. Oh, and I got a flat tire today. Now I have to find time to squeeze in to get my tire fixed.

I keep returning to this universal message that being human is so hard, complex, complicated, and exhausting.

As much as I am grateful for my life, the health and safety of my loved ones, and myself, I know it might be different someday, and it sometimes feels like a waiting game. All of this is draining. I just want a hug. A hug where I can ugly cry and get boogers on your shirt, but I spend so much time being resilient that I have no time for that. Even if you hugged me right now, nothing would happen. I would feel nothing emotional other than nice to hug you.

And now, I lay in my bed. Tired from another day. I can’t find my TV controller because my nephew hides it. So, instead, I lit a candle and decided to finish this blog.

Goodnight,

Frshta