There have been so many emotions in me lately. I haven’t been able to fully understand myself, There has been a tremendous amount of fear all around. This year has been challenging for the entire world. After a worldwide pandemic, can’t we just leave each other alone? Can’t we just let children be children? Right now, I feel the entire world in me. It was a year of strikes in America. Everyone went on strike, including myself. We all kept going, acting like everything was okay. We all acted like paying $6.25 for eggs was normal. Tipping has become uncomfortable. Something that was there in order to show gratitude has become an obligation. The unusual weather patterns were unsettling. War creeping up on us. All of us just trying to get to the next. Trying to act happy. I am happy. I am happy. Right? I should be happy but the truth is we’re all exhausted from the grind. The grind that promised us success. We hold it together for our loved ones. Were supposed to be rocks for others but who’s my rock when I can’t be a rock anymore? Every feel that way? My mind goes to moms. Always holding it down for their kids You know, I see so many quotes online about feeling tired all the time. We’re all asking ourselves if that is normal or not? I don’t even know what normal is any more. I don’t anyone does.

What are we all fighting for? At the end of the day, what is it all about? What is it all for? What are we chasing?

I see a silent depression in all of us. We have lost our way, and we don’t even know what we are fighting for anymore. Everyone went on strike for better pay, but inflation keeps rising so what was the point of making more money?

Yet, in the midst of all this uncertainty, I can’t help but feel nothing but gratitude. This year has been nothing but change for me. It has been very uncomfortable and tough. I mean, so incredibly hard. Things happened unexpectedly. I am a very indecisive person. I second-guess everything, and I have such a hard time making decisions. I decided to trust God. It was as simple as that. Trust Frshta. I had a self-talk with myself. You have been talking about change for so long and wanting something different so just trust. Maybe this is the answer, but you will never know unless you give it a try.

What helped with my trusting factor is that after a very long time, I finally found a shared kitchen which helped me get things going for the coffee cart. Once that was settled, everything else fell in place. I can’t even explain it but after trying for so long things started moving. I think it was just God’s timing and not mine. Opening up the coffee cart has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Seriously, it’s no joke. I knew nothing. I am still shocked that Caffeine Avenue just had its fourth week at the farmers market. It is surreal and shocking. Running a cart at the farmers market is not easy at all. It is physically exhausting. I work seven days a week, and the coffee cart is day 7 for me, but I love it. I love making espresso. I love working with my amazing friends who have volunteered their time. I am so lucky. On my first day, they all showed up for me. I have never felt so loved by friends. Thank you. I love that I have regulars who are asking me when will I open an actual shop because they love the coffee. I take none of it for granted. Lord knows every person who buys coffee from this little small business is making my day. I am in shock every week that I finally opened after four years. A part of me just wants to get on my knees and cry. There are so many emotions.

I also cut back on waitressing, which was another very huge step for me. I had to keep self-talking myself. You can always go back to your waitressing job. As much as I was tired of serving, I was comfortable with it. I was comfortable with the long, exhausting nights. Some of us are more satisfied being unhappy because it is all we know. We may even choose to be unhappy over change because change is scary. I weighed my options and trusted God. The first weeks were grueling and long, but let me tell you something about myself. Every time I start something new, I am miserable at first, but it gets better, and I knew this. I got used to quiet and simple nights at my teaching job.

I take nothing for granted. Lord, I am humbled. Thank you does not seem like enough. I need to remember these moments of blessings when bad days come because it is inevitable, but the goal is to keep my faith.

More than anything, this year has been the year of faith, just undeniable faith. Being present and looking at all the beautiful things this world has. My favorite part is the sky. The smoggy L.A. sky is all I know, but I still love it. I love the beautiful clouds. I feel closer to God, just having moments where I stare at it.

I am so grateful for being able to spend time with my people. I can actually do that now and I don’t take it for granted at all.

I can’t explain what is happening to me, but I know this much…it has taken years of work. I am not talking about my career. I am talking about my soul, mind, and body. I am still working on it, but this year was the first year that I could see the shift I have made from years ago. It has been so much work, and it is so painful and hard. I am scared of regressions, but all I can do is show gratitude for these special moments. I have spent most of tonight crying my eyes out because I am so grateful for everything that has happened this year, including the good and the bad. The path to leading a life with faith is not easy.

Cheers to you God,

Frshta