I remember a time in my life when I would watch the Oscars with tears in my eyes, and this feeling of awe. Tears rolled down my cheeks, as I imagined myself winning an Oscar. I would ugly cry as I imagined. Now, so many years later, I still wonder why an Oscar meant so much to me back then. Why did I need validation from the Academy? Who is the academy and why was I putting so much of my life towards this entity? I’m not joking when I say I’d ugly cry, I would feel something in my heart during the Oscars. Half the time, I hadn’t even seen the movies, actually, most of the time. I am sure I have written a previous blog about wanting to win an Oscar.

Now, as an adult, every year, I hunt down the Oscar films that are nominated and try my best to view them. This tradition started back when I worked at the toy store. My manager, Rissa, was once an actress. She was part of SAG and would receive the films nominated each year. She would let me watch them, even though she wasn’t allowed to. I would sit in my tiny room that I shared with my sister, and we would watch it together. Back then, we had one of those old-school televisions. Some of the movies that I remember watching with my sister were The Silver Lining and Bridesmaids. It was fun watching them and seeing who won.

The tradition kind of stuck with me. Now I do it every year. The worst part is that I can’t even watch the Oscars because I don’t have cable or streaming television channels. I watch recaps on YouTube. I was very close to having a job that would let me work the Oscars, but I ended up not taking it.

This time around, when I watched the Oscars, I didn’t feel the way I used to feel. I felt nothing like my younger self. I couldn’t help but feel kind of sad about it. I was just a viewer instead of a dreamer. It made me a little sad. The dreamer inside of me has moved on, or I guess I moved on, and I look at life differently. I haven’t made a movie in so long or been a part of a film in a while. I am okay with it. Likewise, I have realized that every industry is the same. Everyone wants to feel appreciated and acknowledged for their work; money also helps. As a teacher, I have this constant struggle with trying to get my students to care whether I am teaching little ones or big ones. Same with movies. Half the time, people watch films and don’t even acknowledge how much work was put into them. When you ask someone how they like the film, it is usually a nonchalant response: “It was good” or “nah, I just didn’t like it.” But why? What didn’t you like about it, or why did you like it? No one critically thinks anymore, which is something I try to ram into my first-year college students. Think beyond if you enjoyed it or didn’t. What was the message? I could definitely watch a film and not like it, but I still have a million thoughts on it. I will say this though, films have changed too. Most films are cookie-cutter with no real message around them. I am not sure if the audience has influenced films or if the films have influenced the audience, or both.

No one likes to think anymore or learn. Everything seems like surface-level thinking.

I watched most of the films nominated for Best Picture. My favorite one was The Holdovers and I wanted Paul Giamatti to win Best Actor. His performance was mesmerizing. He made me laugh. Of all the Oscar-nominated films, The Holdovers was the only one that kept my attention and curiosity for the duration of the film. I had a great time watching it, and it has been a long time since the movie made me feel curious about what is next. It was surprising, comedic, simple, and fun. I was not surprised that Oppenheimer won, but I am sure no one was surprised. Man.… Paul Giamatti was great.

I am happy that I can just enjoy going to the movies now without feeling some type of trauma from my past career, or maybe I have just matured? LOL I realized that all the industries are the same really. I’ve worked in many different ones and I can tell you that humans are complicated yet simple at the same time.

I am not sure what is brewing inside of me, but there definitely is something. The more I work in academia, the more unfulfilled I feel. How do you get students to commit and care? It’s nice when I have those that feel like they have learned something. My entire goal in life now is to help and support humanity in some way. As of now, it’s teaching and serving coffee, but I can’t help but feel like there might be more for me I am not sure what it is, but I know I am capable.

More than anything, may God bless us all with good health. I have been dealing with some health issues, and I am so grateful for good health over anything.

Also, Happy Ramadan to those observing.

Cheers,

Frshta