The tapes in my head.

For the last few years, I have been activity working cutting the loops in my head by the endless tapes of my anxieties. Silencing it by telling myself to stop never worked. I would spend endless hours in my head going through different scenarios of different shitty situations. The loops were constant. Just imagine your own brain and this endless loop constantly going around. I have had this habit of mine since I was a young girl but I never really knew how to deal with it and truth be told, it is still a challenge for me. One strategy that I have learned is to cut the loops with scissors (metaphorically). I just imagine a bunch of cassette tapes ripping in half. Another strategy is to imagine myself on a shore and as the boats go by, put each one of my bad thoughts on the shore and bless them and let them pass. I usually feel like I am in Pirates of the Caribbean when I do this one. It has been better but it still happens. I feel peace more often in my adult life but I can be easily taken out of it. I have definitely grown though. I am thankful to God for guiding me and bringing those in my life that have helped me be better. I am so thankful.

The Summer of 2024 has not been my best Summer. I have been working all Summer even though it has been fewer hours than usual and I am grateful for that. I have spent time having conversations with Gandalf about my life and trying to work on things that can be better. I have spent some time with friends but I have also made an effort to spend some time by myself. I work a split shift during the week and its pretty crappy but I thought wow I have a big chunk of the day open for adventure. Guess what? It has been so hot in the valley that I definitely have been going on many adventures. I have tried some new coffee shop for research and just taken care of business stuff including servicing my car, my espresso machine and myself. Doctor visits are scary. I have also been consistently hitting the gym four times a week during the peak hours of the heat. It gets me out of the heat and I get to work on myself. At first, it was just about getting into a routine for me again and not injuring myself. I have slowly graduated to more challenging workouts that have left me winded. I found one of my old work out plans that I paid a trainer to customize for me and I started it this week and it has been riveting. I don’t I would have been able to get through it without the two months of building myself up to it by doing lighter weights and building consistency. I am having fun being at the gym again and I look forward to going. It is me time and sometimes I can be there for two hours. It’s like hour of a good workout and then some sauna time along with meditation time. I struggle to find things to listen to when I am at the gym. I enjoy Sinisterhood recommended by a friend who also made me a playlist. Isn’t she lovely? It’s a new blossoming friendship that has taken a few years to develop at its perfect pace. Not sure where its heading but I am thankful the time and energy she has put in me. I mean come on she made me a playlist! I don’t think anyone has made me a playlist. Thanks Caz! Still, some days, I just don’t feel up for a horror podcast or music. This week I started to listen to some Islamic courses and it felt rejuvenating. I am so happy that my brain is in the right place to be able to this because this Summer I have been struggling with focusing. Even at the gym, some days I would go to the gym and feel so scattered with no plan but I am thankful I have been able to just keep it simple and keep going. I am very proud of myself. I have not lost much weight but at least I exercise!

I wanted some time this some Summer to focus on some of my hobbies like reading, painting, sewing, writing, filmmaking or Islamic studies. I haven’t been able to do most of that because of lack of focus. So why am I not focused? I think it’s because I am not giving myself fate space to cultivate these passions or hobbies. I am stretched so thin already. Fall semester is going to start soon and it’s going to be another busy semester with crazy hours. I wonder when this will change? When will I be able to work less for the same amount of money. Let’s face the facts, L.A. is expensive. I pray for guidance. I don’t see a path to be honest but I trust God and I just have to keep doing my part and try to figure out work-life balance. I am afraid that by the time I get there, my life would have passed me by already. It’s scary. Advice? I still haven’t entered a real film festival or traveled. Or am I too late to follow my dreams? I feel like I need some sort of creativity because it is my life line. Right now, I don’t feel challenged.

On the other note, I have been enjoying the unusual horror movies out this year. Notably, Late Night with the Devil was my favorite! Longlegs and Maxxine are currently number one in the box office. Nicholas Cage was barely in long legs, but when he was he was creepy. Maxxine had some cool visuals, but I wouldn’t watch it again. Late Night with the Devil was my favorite though and I had so much fun watching it. I have been rewatching the Conjuring movies but I am skipping the Nun because I did not enjoy it. I saw the Watchers since I am a fan of Dakota Fanning but it reminded me of the Ritual which is a very good Netflix film. Still, I am just excited were getting some horror films that are unique and not just Blumhouse cookie-cutter formula. I have missed it. I need to watch I saw the tv glowing soon too. Today, on NPR radio station, there was a review on Longlegs and how devil movies need God in them but God was not around in Longlegs. I thought that was so interesting. I want more films where I can talk philosophically about. I enjoy it. Also, I am already in a Halloween mood. Spooky season!

I know Summer is not over yet. I am looking forward to the last two weeks before Fall semester starts. I plan on celebrating my best friends birthday and just spending time doing things I want. I might hang out at the mall or go to a cafe and write. I am going to plan it out so I don’t feel lost when I do have that little bit of free time. Thats the sad part about me when I do have free time, I have no idea what to do and I get super lonely and sad. But I have been working on it this Summer. Work can’t be my entire life. So lets see where the adventure takes me and hopefully the heat doesn’t ruin it because a few of my day adventures were ruined by the heat!

Cheers,

Frshta