Today, a friend of mine made a comment about my come back in the blog world. He was thrilled. He always encourages me to proof read my work. He is a retired English teacher himself and my lack of grammar and spelling errors can be in-comprehendible at times. Truthfully, I rarely proofread my work for my blogs. I use to get too excited and just post. I never realized I even made an errors because I would just write. Kind of like stream line writing..where whatever was in my head I would write about.

After a while, I felt even more discouraged to proofread because I wondered if anyone was even reading and if what I had to say even mattered.

Even now, I wonder if my opinion, my feelings, my ideas even mattered or if they are even relevant. I feel this weird isolation from the world and a lot of me feelings like I don’t belong or fit anywhere. I am okay with this. I don’t really need or want to fit in.

Even in the small coffee business world, it is cut throat and I don’t really enjoy all my interactions. As a teacher, I don’t really want to be friends with my colleagues because I want a life outside of my job. If we click, cool but I don’t want to force anything. I just want to keep it professional for the most part.

Human beings are complicated and it can be exhausting. Sometimes I don’t have energy for my own complexities. I get tired of myself all the time. My wants and needs. The lack of discipline that I have or my obsession over things.

Recently, I watched a new show called Ginny and Georgia. It is a modern day Gilmore Girls which is a show I love. I couldn’t help but compare the two shows as I binge watched the show. There is a character in the show named Maxine. She is a cute theater girl with big feelings and her friends keep telling her she has to many feelings and keep things from her. No one checks if she is okay. No one bothers. I related to Max. Not the current version of myself but my younger self. It made me emotional watching this character suffer while her friends shunned her out and as much as she tried to communicate they kept blowing her off or just not caring. I don’t feel like Max anymore. I changed. I would say for the better. When you wear your hear on your sleeve people stomp on it because human beings don’t care. Yes, that might mean that I have closed myself off to a lot of people but it’s okay. I am happy and I don’t feel vulnerable like I use too. I don’t feel naked anymore because I learned to protect myself from the hard facts that human beings are kind of ugly.

However I wonder if that protective shield that I have formed around myself has closed me off to my artsy side. I just think things don’t matter anymore or maybe I am just getting old. I do feel older. I see it in my face. I can’t help but feel irrelevant as I am aging. I keep thinking I am too old to dream. No one cares what I have to say anymore. I am not young and cute anymore. Silly I know. 33 isn’t old but it’s kind of how I feel. My biggest inspiration right now is my coffee cart. It brings me a lot of joy but it is also a hella of a lot of work.

Writing has always been a passion of mine since I was a little girl. I still have a lot of my childhood writing samples. They are horrible but cute. I have always said that I want to write a novel about my mom because I want her story to be told. Is the time now? Or is this one of those things where I imagined it being my calling but it really isn’t? I never knew coffee would be my calling but it has become my calling. How do you know when something is right and when something is just an illusion made up in our heads? A fantasy and boy do I love to fantasize. I romanticize the crap out of a lot of things. Now with AI, I feel like my writing, my ideas is even more irrelevant. Why read my crappy blogs with spelling errors when you can read a beautiful well written article my some influencer who used AI to do it.

So, I am sorry if my writing is hard to read with all my errors even though I am a teacher. So today, when my friend made a comment on my spelling errors, my heart and mind crumbled. I thought should I even be writing again? Maybe it was a mistake to come back.

I was gifted an IPAD that I have been wanting for my writing for a long time but I couldn’t get myself to spend that kind of money when I already have a laptop. So when I was giftted this IPAD with the goal of writing, I had to honor the reason behind it. No more excuses right?

Right now, I am just celebrating that I am here. I am here writing to you because I have been feeling so irrelevant for so long. I have found my way back and I ask that you go easy on me as I learn to bare my heart to you all once again. As I figure out how to let my heart and soul speak to one honor through the writing process.

Xoxo

Frsh