My summer vacation is quickly coming an end. Bittersweet. Excited to be making an income again yet sad to lose the free time well spent.

I can’t believe how quickly the summer has gone by. Tonight, I took myself out to dinner which has been kind of been a recurring theme on Thursday nights.

I spent a lot time by myself this Summer. Me time to the fullest and I enjoyed it. I have never had an issue spending time with just myself. However, I haven’t had this much free time as an adult. So during the middle of the week usually on Wednesday or Thursday, I would feel slightly sad, dare I say lonely. I would wake up early and attend my gym class, maybe go for a walk and a coffee and then I would start working on my novel for most of the day. I would switch off between reading and writing. Around 4pm, I would finally snap out of my work and I would realize that I have barely spoken to anyone else today. I would feel this sense of loneliness, sadness, and these thoughts would come into my mind in the realm of what is life? I’d think of the Summers I have been blessed with on planet Earth and how I spent them as a child, a preteen, a teenager, a young adult, and now a women in her 30s. Again, what is life God?

So I decided that I needed to combat this feeling of helplessness and loneliness and a bit of sadness. I made with myself. See the rest of the days of the week, I was usually pretty booked with coffee cart, my serving job, social engagements but obviously, I couldn’t keep that up everyday of the week this Summer. For a girl, who is usually working from 8am -9pm, having time off in the middle of the week is exciting and strange. Like what do normal people do in the evening during the week?

So instead of sulking which fuck that, life is to short to sulk, we must have gratitude for each day, I would take myself out.

Some weeks, it meant, after a day of writing, I would head over to a fast food joint and grab take out, bring it home and pick a movie or show to watch, usually a rom com. I can’t do horror movies alone. Some days that meant, heading to an outdoor spot and enjoying the fresh air while reading or writing. I was starting to enjoy my ME nights even though sometimes I wouldn’t want to get out of my home. I just want to stay home and sit on my red house. I really do love my home but I think balance is needed. I told myself “You never get to experience evenings out because of your work schedule so let’s go do it while you can. I pushed myself and with some encouragement from a friend, I always felt good afterwards.

Tonight I took myself to Cheesecake Factory for dinner and the plan was to sit outside to do some writing and reading but a tension headache started settling in and clicking my ass.

I had my dinner and came home, took my second shower of the day, had some ibuprofen and laid down in my prayer room. I just wanted to feel God and find the peace within my faith. Lately, it has been feeling magical to be able to tap into that peace.

Again, Summer is ending. I have a very rough cut of my novel. I spent two months taking training classes at the gym for the entire summer.

Today, while I was waiting for my dinner, I wondered about my summer. What if the novel never gets finished? What if I finish it but no one reads it? What if it just sucks? What if I can’t find anyone to publish it? What if I wasted my entire summer working on this and it goes no where?

Then the gym came to mind. I spent a lot of money for me on these gym classes. My weight is going up, I am always tired, I’ve been getting tension headaches, I hurt my back once already, I feel puffy. Did I accomplish any weight loss? According to the scale, no. However, It has only been like 7 weeks. I know I need to be consistent as my body adjusts and that this is suppose to be normal but I can’t help but feel like a failure because the scale is going hirer. My friends and my trainers are saying that muscle is heavier and to give it time but it’s hard.

All these insecurities. Did I waste my Summer? No. I fell in love with my routine of waking up early for the gym, going for a walk and then writing. I fell in love with writing more that I have ever loved writing. I spent a lot of time thinking about how much I would love to be a writer..like this could be my life.

With one week left, I am knee deep in planning mode for Fall semester classes. I have not done much writing this week since I am shifting gears but I really was itching to get some writing in. I missed it.

I thank God for this Summer.For allowing me to slow down even know I was scared and I spent way to much money for a person with no income for two months.

Cheers Everyone,

To Summer Nights

Frsh