I have this urge. This urge to share my life on Instagram.
I have gone radio silent for the last couple of months…actually maybe almost a year. I can just go look at the last picture I posted but I am being lazy. I have posted some art work but nothing about myself.
Originally, I did this because I didn’t want to share my life. I didn’t think it was necessarily for all these people that I don’t talk to…to know my life. I wanted privacy and I wanted to be off the radar…kind like I wanted people to forget I had social media. I still used social media to keep connected to my close friend and to keep up with the world but I just wanted to disappear for a while.
But, lately, I have been wanting to make a come back. I have been taking photos again, which I stopped because of my weight gain. I use to take so many pictures of myself and the last thing I worried about was my weight. But, once, I gained weight, I just didn’t feel beautiful anymore.
My hair has gotten longer now and I am trying really hard to love myself. I am not obese but I am not skinny either. I am over weight. I weigh somewhere between 158- 168. It fluctuates all the time. My goal is to be somewhere between 140 -150.
I have spent the past couple of year just hating myself and I am going to change that. This is my body at this point in my life. I am going to try and loose weight but I am going to TRY and not indulge in self pity. This is really hard because when I look at old photos…it really hurts.
Anyways, my new photos are decent. I am pretty good at taking good pictures of myself that don’t look anything like me.
I want to post them but I am trying to figure out why I have this urgency. I think it is because I want attention. I want attention so badly. I want people to like my photos and leave comments saying that I look good. It’s like this craving. I want society to validate me. It really is horrible that I need others to tell me I look great in order for me to feel good.
I have been fighting it. I haven’t posted because I need to learn to love myself. No one else should have to validate me. I am aware of my emotions and I am doing my best.
In the end of the day, most people use social media to show off and half of it is bull shit. I should do things for myself and not other people.
I know that not everyone uses social media for this but a lot of people do.
On a spiritual side, I am taking this as a test. God tells us to only worry about our relationship with God and that is it. No one else should matter. I should be thankful for my beautiful curly brown hair even when it frizzes. I should love my big butt even if I have been told my entire life to cover it up with baggy clothing. I should love my breast even though gravity isn’t always kind. I should love my face even though at times I want to cry because a double chin is visible. I should love my tummy and my flabby arms. Self love is important. One day if my body finally gives up on me, I am to blame because I have spent so much time hating it instead of taking care of it and accepting it. Stress is a killer. Negative energy is a real thing but so is positive energy.
So I pray that God helps me through this and that I learn to love myself and live a healthy life. I pray that I fight the social stereotypes and the pressures of society.