Life is such a peculiar concept.
I was born to die.
I’ve been pondering a lot about fear.
I have so much fear inside of me.
To the point, that I caused myself anxiety.
The type of anxiety where I can’t feel my arms.
I feel something heavy on my chest.
It’s hard to breathe.
This week a person that I love so much lost his best friend.
I didn’t know him too well, but I still knew him.
He lost his life at 36 years old to cancer.
His death shook me.
I lost my brother when he was 34.
When people die young it always hurts because they never got to live their dreams out.
I thought about the family of this person and how much they’re in pain.
I remember my family being in pain.
I remember feeling helpless.
I remember getting up and going to work and thinking this isn’t what I should be doing but I don’t know what else to do.
Everyone stares at you like why are you at work right now.
The truth is there is nothing we can do.
My biggest fear is something that’s already happened to me.
My biggest fear is losing people I love whether that means something happens to them or something happens to me.
The sad part is I already know what loss feels like because I lost my brother.
It’s so horrible that I never want to feel that way again but it’s unfortunate because I will unless I pass before them.
Even if I die before them I’m still going to feel the loss of them not being with me.
It’s this scary feeling of I’m going to leave everyone I love.
I might never see them again.
I have no idea what happens on the other side.
But we have to have hope right?
How do I not let this take over me?
I believe in God and I want to believe that there’s more to this universe than just earth.
But there are no guarantees, right?
It just hurts a lot.
And this person‘s passing brings all of this angst and fear and sadness. This could’ve easily been me or someone I love. I can’t help but think…did I get lucky this time?
But I know I won’t always be lucky.
How do I make peace with this fear?
I just want to hold the people I love tightly.
I wondered why I was working two jobs with no time for anything else?
I think if you’ve lost someone in your life you can relate to these feelings. It’s been almost 10 years since my brother died and his death changed my life.
Sometimes I relive the pain.
I don’t want death to haunt me.
I want to keep following my dreams even if I keep failing over and over again.
I want to love my soul mate.
Maybe have a child or two.
I want to have a home where I can throw Thanksgiving gatherings with the people I cherish.
I don’t want fear paralyzing.
I don’t want any of us to die.
But it’s inevitable.
So, God give me strength.
Please help me conquer this paralyzing fear.
Please protect everyone I love.
Please God whatever you have planned for us…just help us along the way because I fear the unbearable pain.

Rest in peace Danny. I’m so sorry that you had to go so early.



2 thoughts on “#200 paralyzed by death

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