The definition of stagnant is “(of a body of water or the atmosphere of a confined space) having no current or flow.”
Have you ever felt stagnant?
When I looked at the definition of stagnant, I was surprised that water was being used on the definition. I have been wanting to go back to swimming as a form of exercise and therapy. I purchased my new swimsuit and hair cap this past week.
Stagnant reminds me of that old-school television. When you went to the wrong channel, there would be black-white lines and these horrible sounds. It was like an ongoing buzz.
In my current season of life, I feel stagnant. For a while, I was excited that I kept moving forward on my plans but the last couple of weeks have been very much stagnant.
You know what? It has been had to express my feelings too. Even now, as I sit on my bed writing this blog, I am struggling. It’s like my brain doesn’t want to address the issues or worse doesn’t know what to do about it. I have been thinking about my problems yet I can’t sit and write about them. As soon as I try, I draw a blank or I don’t know what to say. I think I have too much distraction around me at times and that is what is causing me to lack focus. Sitting on my bed to write doesn’t help either because I get very sleepy.
I have heard from many throughout my life that everything will work out when it is supposed to or what is meant to be yours will never be taken away from you or everything will fall in place and work out. Yet, doubt fills me. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I just stay stagnant? It scares me because I have these burning desires but I have no motivation. Am I a loser? I don’t think I am. I lack discipline. At the same time, I am not lazy. I work multiple jobs and I just get tired. I am human after all.
I have been trying to plan out opening a coffee/tea booth at a farmer’s market. It felt good to problem solve and to check off things on my checklist. Yet, the last couple of weeks have become stagnant. First, I was stuck on finding a commissary that would be cheap. Then a bigger problem happened. I went to the farmers market I wanted to sell at and guess what? It was dead. I sold my tote bags at the market and there was hardly any traffic and this was a desirable area too. My mind started spiraling. What if I put together this complicated ass booth and spend all this money and it doesn’t work out? The health department isn’t cheap and neither is equipment. Don’t get me wrong, it is way cheaper than opening an actual store but I am not rich. I just want to make the right choice that will bring success. I definitely want to do open up a coffee/tea business but I am not sure what is the best way to approach the situation. I have been looking for a sign or something to guide me. So I let myself sit in the stagnant but it has been weeks now and I haven’t found my sign. It scares me. Is the sign to not do anything? Or am I reading too much into it?
Next, I have been saving money since I was got a job. My one goal was to purchase a home for myself. Guess what? I can’t find the right home. It just makes me so sad. The prices are catastrophic. I want to explore new jobs but I can’t since I need both jobs for the loan unless I find another full-time job which I wouldn’t even know where to look. I have no idea what I am good at or what I can do. I think I have a lot to offer but I am horrible at looking for jobs. I have no idea what the right position is for me. I love people, I love fast-paced environments, I am a wonderful leader, I am passionate and I love being creative. I am an animal person and a people person. I have a BA in Coms studies and a MA in English. I have worked in multiple fields including the entertainment industry, retail, food and beverage, and education. Who would hire me? I am all over the place but honestly, I am pretty awesome. Once I grasp the job, I will be amazing at it. I do value work-life balance though.
One of the things I have always struggled with is valuing myself. It has been one of my biggest mistakes in friendships and in the entertainment industry. When I care about something so much I tend to forget myself. I become insecure and I don’t value what I have to offer. When I am careless, I become this rockstar who rules the stage. It has taken me a long time to become a secure person and realize that I have a lot to offer. If a job or a person isn’t valuing me then I need to find a solution. It doesn’t always mean walking away but it means changing how much value I put into the situation. I adapt I guess.
I want to write a book and it is sitting right here inside of me and I can’t focus enough to write it.
Back to the home, I can’t find one. Everything is out of my price range or not the area I want. Honestly, everything is so overpriced.
I can’t help and be a baby about all of this. When will it be my time? I work hard. I am a good person.
I keep going back to divine timing but every day I am losing hope instead of gaining.
I read today that the only thing stopping you is yourself and I believe that but I am just not sure where to go from here.
I am stuck.
Wow, it sure does feel good to write about all of this even though some of this stuff I like to keep private. I do feel pressured and embarrassed about not having certain things accomplished yet. I feel like friends and family look at me like what have you been doing? Or they don’t think I am serious but I try my best to not let it bother me. I know my truth.
Alright, thank you for reading.
As always, it means so much to me.