Pain
What does pain look like?
What color does it shine?
Is it circular or square?
Can I squeeze it?
How does it create that gut-wrenching feeling?
How does it bring tears out of your eyes?

Marcel plays classical music loudly to drown out his pain. He sits quietly on his dining room table. A fresh pie sits on his kitchen counter next to his cappuccino machine. A photo of his dear wife sits on his dining room table. Right next to it, there is a picture of Lily, his cat. A pile of medicine sits on the counter. The room is in shambles. No, the house is in shambles. A giant blue pool waits for its next occupant. Marcel has notes on his calendar. He has in big words that Marcel’s birth is on November 12. The house has a brown interior. It’s like I walked into a portal that led to the 70s. Marcel recalls his days in France. Where he came from and where he is now. He resides in Calabasas in an empty house and where his French accent makes him interesting and exotic. At 91 years old, Marcel can still use his brain perfectly but his body is deteriorating. He writes his bills and takes care of himself even though it takes him all day to do the simple things you and I do. His walker is right by him. He does his best. He entertains himself with the cat next door that comes to visit him. Sometimes it’s his only visitor for days. The black cat comes by and eats the food he leaves out for him. He rubs against Marcel’s leg. Once upon a time Marcel and the black cat didn’t like each other. The black cat had wandered through the cat door to visit Lily, Marcel’s cat that passed away, Lily did not like him very much. Marcel had to chase him out. Marcel said, ” Don’t you dare come into my house without permission.”

Marcel made the best tart pie for me. His cappuccino was superb. I can feel the memories that haunt him reside within his walls. Yet, those memories keep him alive. They speak to him when he is lonely. They speak to him when he is cold. They speak to him even though he has nothing left. I wanted to know more about you Marcel. You shared that you owned a high-end French restaurant.

Marcel, and I spent one hour together. He has been haunting me for days now. I took on Marcel’s emotions and that’s okay. Maybe if I take his pain then he will feel less of it? At the end of our gathering, you told me to please come back.

I just wanted to hug you, Marcel. I wanted to give you comfort. You are not alone. God is with all of us. God is with you Marcel even when it doesn’t feel like it.

On Tuesday, I took one of my coworkers, Lupe, who considers me his granddaughter to see his friend Marcel. Lupe recently had surgery and hasn’t been able to drive. I usually don’t have much time but since schools were off, I was able to help. Marcel, a 91-year-old man, was something else. I can’t get him out of my head. He made me feel sad, depressed, and tired. I was so sad that this man had no one to call his own no more. It hurt me that he had no one. I was impressed by how capable he was at his age. He told me doesn’t like young people but he invited me back to his home.

Life is so sour like a lemon but let’s keep trying to make lemonade.

Getting old is so bitter-sweet.

I wonder what God is thinking up there? Watching all of us get old while some of us leave sooner than others. What a sweet disaster we are in. We are running towards our death as soon as we take our first breath.

I am thankful for my car because being without a car was treacherous. I am thankful for spiritual, mental, and physical growth. I am thankful for the joy and the pain. I am thankful for my beautiful nephew. I am thankful for Gandalf, my therapist. I am thankful for those that love me. I am thankful for those that I love. I am thankful for animals because they bring me so much happiness. I am thankful for creativity. I am thankful for those that believe in me even when I can’t stand to be me. Thank you.

What a struggle it has been but I am moving forward every day. Every day I choose to focus on all the light in my life instead of letting the darkness take over. We have weak days but keep trying.

Happy thanksgiving.

Be safe.

Love,

Frshta

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