It has been such a long time since I have felt okay during this time of the year. It is always difficult for me. The short days and long times bring back some dark memories and sometimes it brings out the darkness that resides in me. Darkness that causes me to spiral into grief and sadness. If it goes down that road then it can be hard to control me. The memory of my brother’s death.
This year I felt okay as the holidays approached. I even mentioned it to my best friend. I said, “I feel happy with life and excited for what’s to come.” As soon as I said that I jinxed myself. Suddenly, I wasn’t happy, and instead, I was finding everything that is wrong with my life. I caught myself and tried to stop. But, it is so hard to get out of that headspace. I feel very deeply. My happiness is overwhelming and so is my sadness. I dived into my work and kept busy. Keeping busy has saved my life so many times that I lost count. I forget about my useless thought. Yes, my thoughts are super useless at times. I overthink and I have these fantasies that cause me to be sad. I cry and I cry and I feel these feelings that are incredibly horrible. Death is one of the fantasies. I fear losing people I love or even dying too soon. I am a coward and I am so afraid of death. I sometimes think of god and what a silly game God has put us, humans. Nothing matters even though every matter.
Anyways, I have been feeling better and I try not to sabotage my own happiness. Be happy. It’s okay.
Overall, I am handling the holiday times pretty well. I take it day by day and try to be mindful. I have incorporated swimming workouts a couple of days of the week too. It feels good to work out again. It feels good to be in the water again even though I had so much anxiety about it.
I have been trying to read more too which feels super good. I have been committed to my jobs and taking care of my current assignments, a kindergarten class. I don’t want to face reality or the ghosts that haunt me because I never win. Honestly, there is no point here.
I worked at an anime convention this past weekend and let me tell you that it was a good time. I had such a good time.
It is my brother, Yama, death anniversary on December 16. I can’t help but feel nostalgic about it. I try not to think about it because it just makes me sad. It has already been 9 years. Where did the time go? I miss him a lot. I miss his voice. I can still hear his voice in my head which makes me happy. I miss him so much.
Anyways, thanks for reading.