Hello,

As I start my 32nd year of life, I wanted to reflect on the 31st year of my life. 31 was a life-changing year, and I spent some time yesterday, on the day of my birth, reflecting on where I was last year during this time. It was the start of so many new journeys for me. I was scared out of my mind. The first half of my 31st year was full of job opportunities., opening up my small business, and purchasing my first home. These have been goals for a very long time and I couldn’t believe that these dreams were coming true. Things that felt so out of reach now in my hands. I was in such shock and disbelief that I felt like I didn’t really take every part of it in for a long time. I didn’t allow myself to breathe because I was afraid that one of these opportunities would be taken for me. So I am grateful for those new adventures, but the amount of stress that I went through was immense. I dealt with new HR paperwork, I dealt with homeowner paperwork, mortgage loan paperwork, new business paperwork and so on.

In January 2024, things started to slow down. For the second half of my 31st year, I was hoping for it to be peaceful and just chill. I started going to my yearly doctor visits including my eye doctor to see if I needed a prescription update since I spend a lot of time on the computer. The doctor informed me that the back of my eyes are swollen and I needed to go to a macular retina specialist. I had about four different appointments with the specialist and a lot of the times I was talking myself out of going. Retina specialist ended up sending me to an oppneurologist who sent me to my very first MRI, which was a one hour procedure. I had to go back and do another 20 minute MRV today. I was scared out of my mind when I did the MRI. I have claustrophobia, but at the same time I did not want to be drugged up for the procedure because I had to go to work. When they put me inside the MRI tube, it was so hot that it made me feel even more claustrophobic, but I close my eyes and I started picturing a mind of movie for one hour. I started to think about what I wanted my coffee shop to look like in the future in terms of design, and there was moments where I felt like I was about to panic, but I calmed myself down and the next thing I knew it was over. I couldn’t believe that one hour passed by, and I was completely floored by the power of my mind. Luckily I don’t have a brain tumor, but the doctor did want me to go back for some more tests and I have not gotten the results back yet. I have been waiting anxiously. I am on this medication that makes me feel like I’m gonna be paralyzed because it’s constantly cramping my legs and I’m going numb in different parts of my body or I feel a sense of tingling but the doctor says it’s normal. She said I need to lose at least 20 pounds and take this horrible medication. As you all know, I have always struggled with losing weight. But I’ve been doing my best to conquer this issue… this last six months has just been a lot of health issues and little things like getting a cold or a bladder infection or a fever and so on. I didn’t feel well for most of the year and my paranoia has just skyrocketed because I keep thinking something is wrong with me. There are moments where I sit, and I think about what this might mean. I haven’t felt this drifted from God in so long. But I miss God so much and every day I’m trying to find my way back and I know I will slowly but surely. The night before my MRI results, I sat in the parking lot of the gym and I imagined worse case scenarios and I cried my eyes out.

Other than my health, I’ve spent a lot of time by myself in an empty classroom because I teach on the Internet and some nights are very lonely. It’s not a hard job, but it’s a very lonely job. Some days, I love it and some days my extrovert self comes out and I can’t believe I’m doing this. I went from being a waitress and talking to people constantly to basically talking to nobody, and it has been a struggle. But I’m grateful that I have this because it gives my body time to rest from all the damage I’ve done to it from all the years of serving and I’m grateful for the flexibility, but like I said some days just being alone all day can really bother me.

Since I spend so much time alone, I have been trying to fill up my down time with productivity but I don’t feel creative. I get the necessary grading and any paperwork for my business done but it has been hard to even just read. It has been hard to paint or to write. Everything feels like a chore. So I spend time scrolling which I despise about myself. Music got boring so I started listening to podcasts. I started to listen to Spinsterhood again after a one year break because one of their stories freaked me out. Honestly, I am on a campus and I feel safe enough but it is probably not the best thing to listen to for me. I started to listen to Jay Shetty podcast again. I enjoy his podcast but I can’t help but get annoyed. All these rich people with their rich people problems. They literally say I was feeling depressed so I got on a flight and I went to Bali. Like what? Then I correct myself that money doesn’t bring joy but at the same time I am still trying to understand wealthy folks and respect them at the same time.

So this year for my birthday picture I was really excited and I had this whole idea a few months back, but as things got closer, I felt less motivated and sadness or depression or motivation or whatever you wanna call it kicked in and it was hard to put anything together . So I was thinking of skipping a year. I thought I really shouldn’t and the day before and the day of my birthday, I took the photos. One was taken in my classroom where I spend most of my time alone and the other at a coffee shop because that’s another thing I’ve been doing a lot is visiting different coffee shops as a form of research for my own future shop. I’m not smiling in the photos because it hasn’t been a smiley year but I have accomplished a lot and I’ve learned a lot about myself.

For my 32 year, I just pray for good health for myself and all the people I love and all the good people out there on planet Earth.

Love,

Frshta