It is a Friday morning on July 3. Today is my brother,Yama’s birthday. Is it sad that I don’t know how old he would have been? I just did the math and I think he would’ve been around 47 years old. Still so young and not even close to retirement. I don’t think about this often because what’s the point? There is so much he has missed out on. Initially, when I started this blog post today, I was not thinking about writing about Yama. I wasn’t really sure what to write, but I just felt like writing.

There has been a lot of advertising that America is going to be 250 years old and I keep thinking about how young of a country we are. 250 years old isn’t that long at all and to think that right now this moment is just a speck in its history.

Often times, I love to think about the universe and really try to understand the concept of light traveling. It’s like I understand it, but it doesn’t make sense still. Kind of like how is that possible? How is it that I’m seeing a star that looks like a star but in reality it has already died but we just can’t see it yet. It’s definitely time travel. :p So somewhere in the universe are they watching Earth’s demise?

This week has been pretty busy. I had a ravishing shift on Monday night and I just had so much energy. The coffee cart was lovely as well and it was such a beautiful day. During the week, I committed to my exercises in the morning followed up by some walking around the area. It was such beautiful mornings, cloudy and overcast. The perfect mornings for some coffee.

I also finished one of my books this week. It was a fantasy that I wasn’t too hopeful about, but ended up being such a great story that I couldn’t put it down. I’m so glad I committed and finished the book.

I spent time working on my novel, but not enough time. I went to go watch the evil dead movie through beyond fest which was fun! I was surprised about how much I enjoyed the movie because the trailer looked awful.

I spent time with my friends and made them dinner. I spent a whole day with my mom which was so much fun. We don’t get to do that often anymore. We had Din Tai Fung! There chocolate dumplings buns were amazing.

For the most part, it was a really nice week and I am grateful.

I did feel my brain spiraling a few times, but I’m trying to use the tools that I have like exercise and journaling to cope with my anxieties.

Today I’m having my coffee from this place that sells fish. One side of the store is a fish market and the other side is a Coffee Shop. I was hesitant because I don’t wanna smell fish while I’m trying to drink coffee but I decided to give it a try. Maybe I will finally find the perfect coffee? It was affordable, which was nice, but it wasn’t amazing. Out of five I’ll give it like a three. I seriously feel like I can’t find a good cup of coffee anywhere near me. I brought my Ipad so I can sit and write my blog today. Even if I don’t have anything to say, I would still like to be consistent in writing one blog a week. It’s nice to look back at the memories. So I opened my IPad and of course the iPad didn’t update which killed the battery and I don’t have my charger with me. So here I am committed to writing. I am using my cell phone outside the fish/Coffee Shop.

I never realized how much I value spending time by myself. Although I haven’t had too much alone time this summer yet, the times that I’ve had have felt really nice. Feels relaxing and I can’t believe how quickly time goes.

When I visited my parents this week, I went ahead and visited my chickens. I sat in their coop and threw some food for them and watch them eat. When I was a little girl, I would sit with my chickens so often and it brought me so much joy. Sometimes I would read my Harry Potter books while I sat with the chickens. They’re such funny creatures and they make me laugh. Animals were such a big part of my childhood. Someday I picture myself having a big backyard where I can build a really beautiful chicken coop and a pigeon coop and I can see myself spending my days just hanging out with them. It’s strange, but I can do it all day and I won’t get bored. It reminds me of a time when I was younger, and I would spend the summer just watching my pigeons and the relationships they were building, the fights they would get into, the kids that they raised, and it was fascinating.

I always felt like I was a very complicated creature myself, but I’m starting to figure out that I’m pretty simple and sometimes that simplicity and easy-going can be taken as weakness or be taken advantage of. I don’t think things are hard, we make them hard. Maybe I have this perspective now because I am where I am in life.

Human beings makes things so difficult and it’s interesting how we want to hurt one another. But wouldn’t life be easier if we just took a step back and said something in response to a situation that didn’t hurt someone else? I see it in my family all the time. They are mean to each other and half our problems would be solved if we just took a step back and chose not to be mean or nasty. I do that often where I take a step back and I ask myself what is my intention right now? I’ve learned that words can’t be taken back and if I want to be a good person and maintain relationship then I need to be mindful which also means that I don’t love confrontation the way I used to. I like to take a step back and really think about what I want to say because in the past, I would just spit out the best comebacks. As my dad used to say with pride, “You have a tongue that kill young lady.” He always loved how feisty I was because I’d be able to handle having four big brothers constantly teasing me but in the most brother sister way. I don’t regret that resilience that I have because punking my big brothers was everything and still is. They made me tough which is needed for this cruel world. Still, I needed to learn how to balance it because not every situation requires a lethal kill of words.

Most importantly, I don’t want to be an angry person and I’m not. At times, human beings can be exhausting, including myself. The rapid rate of emotions is pretty wild. It’s so tiring to be able to feel things and it’s even more tiring to have to control my feelings whether that’s an anger or sadness or even happiness. Sometimes I want to give into that anger or to that sadness. I think that’s why I appreciate my time solo because I don’t have to worry about anybody else. I just love the quiet of my mind when it finally gets there. Peaceful, silent,present and real. I controlled the doom scrolling because just because you’re physically alone doesn’t mean that you can’t hop onto your phone and be connected to the entire world.

I grew up in a very loud environment, which isn’t a bad thing, but now the balance of loud and quiet is something I very much appreciate. Protecting my environments, my energy and my peace is something I have to work on everyday. Sometimes that means staying away from family or friends or Netflix.

I’m just grateful for the opportunity to experience this type of existence and I value it.

I was a bit worried about myself having so much free time this summer. I think some of my loved ones were also worried about me because I have always been a person that has multiple jobs. What will she do with all her time? At first, I was super excited for having a break because I haven’t had one in God knows how long. After the reality sent in, I started feeling anxiety. I am not working for two months and I don’t have any money coming in other than part-time waitressing since I don’t touch the money for the coffee cart in order to build it the business. I’m OK financially because I’m a pretty good saver. Since I spend so much of my time working, I don’t spend as much but still not having a paycheck is scary. Then I started thinking about all the time I was going to have and what if I just can’t get myself to do anything. In the past during any short breaks that I had from work, I would tend to spiral and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. However, I have been working on this. During winter break, I decided to pre-schedule a lot of activities so I have things to look forward to, and it helped. But two months off is a long time. Surprisingly enough, I’ve been doing OK. This week I did feel a sense of guilt which helped me pick up an extra shift as a server. I thought to myself that I’m not a rich girl, and I can’t really afford to just sit here and lounge, pick up another shift is what I told myself. So it’s a hard balance, but I’m surviving. I even spent a few days thinking about how I can get myself out of going back to work at the school. lol I thought about different scenarios that might work. But at some point reality sets in, and I have to remind myself that I am an adult and I need to be a grown-up. I have bills to pay and as much as I’m not in love with my job, I have a steady income, I have benefits and job security somewhat.

All right, I ended up moving from the fish/Coffee Shop because I needed to move my car. So now I’m sitting in my car on this beautiful street with all these beautiful houses under a tree. The wind feels really nice, but my allergies are starting to act up.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Fourth of July. Please be safe!

Thank you so much for reading. It makes me feel so good when I see that people have read my work even when it’s just me blabbing.

Xoxo

Frsh