It’s Monday afternoon, I have spent the morning resting, hitting the gym, grocery shopping, visiting my mom and tidying my home.

I am finally sitting on my red couch. My red throw pillow on my lap with my IPAD set on top of it. I have my cup of coffee from this morning next to me with 90 percent of it gone already.

I think to myself, “I should really drink some water.”

This morning, I have been thinking about one phrase a lot.

“Hurt people hurt others”

I see the words floating in mind. I see different story lines being created from this phrase. I think about myself and my triggers. Triggers that I have worked so hard to heal from but they still exist like a scar on my heart.

I have worked so hard to control the spiraling that I so often fall victim too like broken cassette tapes that keeps repeating itself. Over and over again. I am exhausting. Why would anyone want to deal with this fucked mind when I don’t even want to deal with it myself?

There it is. The self hate and the bashing of myself.

Slowly, I isolate. Not because I want to be reached for. Instead, it is because the silence helps. Being alone helps although isolation is never seen as a positive thing. Being alone helps me overanalyze till I am exhausted, and then really find clarity in the situation.

I have come so far in my journey of self healing that I can pinpoint when the hurt sort of began. I can see the patterns that kept repeating every few years. I have worked hard on breaking patterns through reflection, through this blog, through conversations and so on. Sometimes breaking patterns are painful and it means saying goodbye to people or certain aspects of ones’ life but I value peace and I don’t want to be a hurt person who just hurts others even if it means that I stand alone.

So often, I wonder, am I the problem?

I have this feisty tongue that I have learned to control because harsh comebacks don’t do anything other than add fuel to the fire. I have learned to tame my harsh tongue because when you love someone why would you want to sting them with your words? It ends up bouncing back at me because later when I am sane, I feel hurt that I hurt you.

Being human is exhausting.

That’s it for today.

When you think of the phrase “Hurt people hurt others,” What do you think of?