Being creative is such a gift. It’s something that we all have in ourselves but I think it takes a lot of courage to actually be creative. There was a time in my life that I had so much fire in me. I was on a roll.
I had a full-time demanding job and I was working on projects outside of my job. I work really well under pressure. Actually I make more mistakes and become super lazy when I have nothing to do.
When I have 10 tables, my mind is working in ways that I can’t even explain. Every order is correct and every table is happy. When I have one table, I make all the mistakes in the world. I think I’m just more relaxed and not as focused. My current jobs are a blessing but there isn’t much of a challenge. At first, there might have been but after being at the same position for six years and basically doing the same thing every shift, it has become second nature. Of course there’s always something to learn but you know what I mean right? I get bored and sometimes I fill that boredom with eating or writing. I
I realize that even when I have time to just do whatever I want I can’t do it. Something stops me it might be because I’m always on the go and when I have a moment to breathe I just want to lay in bed and watch Netflix all day and catch up on TV. That brings me joy. Sometimes I get very frustrated with myself because I want to do more with my time.
Occasionally, I get hints of inspiration and I want to do something about it. I miss creating content. I miss getting excited about showing everybody my short film or anything that I’m doing.
This past weekend, I drove by the Whitefire Theater and it was open for once. I always want to take a look inside but every time I go it’s closed. I was curious about what the event was. I didn’t realize it was a movie theater I thought it was a playhouse theater. The gentleman at the front counter said they were showcasing women in film short films. My body reacted to this. I felt something that I don’t really feel anymore. I thought I wish I could be a part of something like that. Immediately, my brain goes don’t even bother we both know you’re not going do it. How many times have you said this and you have done nothing?
I feet incapable. I get so overwhelmed and scared. Let’s not forget that I keep doubting myself. I am very self-aware. It’s just such a struggle to get started.
I’ve tried to write a script for a short film for years now. I thought of different ideas but they’re just ideas when I actually try to figure out the story, the concept and what I’m going to be doing I freeze. I freeze because I think about how am I going to actually. Whose going to be doing the camera work? Whose going to work for free? Where am I going to get good actors? How am I going to finance this? How do you figure out where to show your film? Then I start having tunnel vision. I tried to keep the story within a certain box so that it’s affordable and I’m not reaching too far out of my needs. Then I just quit. Maybe I don’t have it in me because I can’t figure all that out. The worst part is I have done it before but it was just so hard to do it. It’s so hard to rely on others. There was a time where I would figure it out and I don’t know how to get back there. It goes back to feeling jaded. It’s hard for me to rely on others because I’ve been let down so many times. To be honest, it’s not anybody’s fault. Sometimes things just don’t work out or is it a thickness in my head that I just can’t get past?
On a positive note, I interviewed for a position at Disney/ Marvel Studios. The position seemed almost perfect for me. For the first time in a long time, I felt nervous and excited. The sad part was the feelings felt foreign to me. I didn’t get the position but I am grateful for those foreign feels that made me dream and feel alive. Also I’m grateful for the Whitefire theater for bringing a feeling that I haven’t felt in a while either.
As always, thanks for reading.