I sat in my empty bathtub. After fighting back tears multiple times in the day, for the sake of being called emotional. I finally let myself sob. I sobbed silently so that nobody else can hear me. It was one of those days that even the slightest thing was going to set me off. After months of my car causing me so much stress because it kept breaking down, I finally sold it. Actually, I was very surprised when I did. It was quite abrupt. So here I am now, without a car. I took a day to browse some dealers and the prices were insane. If I wanted to spend $10,000 then the miles would be high. If I wanted low miles then the car will cost me $20,000. I look for used cars online and it was the same situation as the dealers. I kept hearing my mother nagging at me. “You’re the one that sold you’re car so why are you so upset?” I’m not sure what part of this car has been breaking down once a month didn’t she understand. My father spent one day helping me look at dealers and the next day I waited for him to take me again instead he went ahead and worked at his part time job, Lyft. I contacted anyone I could about possibly knowing someone that is selling a used car but I had no luck. So there I was sitting in the empty bathtub wondering where was God ? Why is everything so hard for me always? I can’t find a better job. I can’t find a home to purchase. Now I can’t find a car. I can’t find happiness. I recognize that I was spiraling. So for several hours, I did nothing. It was hot and I was emotional and frustrated. I didn’t have the patience for family either. I even decided not to write my Wednesday blog. Here I am, at the end of the day, after the second slow shift at the restaurant, writing to you all. My energy was so low today but I felt like the customers could feel me. I tried my best to mask my depression but I couldn’t cheer up. I have no energy to fake a smile. I felt bad for this but I couldn’t help it. I just felt so alone and helpless.

Thanks for reading.



One thought on “#195 an empty bathtub

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