Moments that made me feel this week.

My therapist and I tried a new form of therapy. We were actually just goofing around but it felt good. I told him how sometimes I like to sing about my problems in the car. Sometimes it’s the only way I can express myself. I’ve only sang about my problems to one person in my entire life but I decided to do it with my therapist. I’m not much of a singer but I’ve always enjoyed singing. I just started singing about my problems and my therapist responded by singing back. It felt good and freeing in an odd sort of way. It made me feel.

My brother has been helping me with my car issues. He gave me a lecture about being speaking up and how I’m afraid of people. He said “This is why no one will hire you at a job you want.”

I stared at him and boy, did that make me feel. Mind you my brothers are overbearing and difficult. He means well but I couldn’t help but feel angry. How dare you?? Do you even know the struggle I have been through? That pissed me off. Maybe he is right?

Last week, a teacher from the school I work at, stopped me and asked me “What do you want to do for your career?” I said, “l’m not sure.” She said, “We have an opening at the school …just accept that your a teacher …stop being a subsitute…you will make more money too.” She meant well. She was a subsitute for eleven years but she gave up her dreams and decided to become a full time teacher. I looked at her and I stumbled for words. Is this the part in my life where I give up my dreams and just give in like her? I’ve been told to give up my dreams many times in my life. Maybe everyone was right ? I’m always been told that I’m a natural teacher but I don’t see it. She told me to just think about it. I walked away with a huge whole in my stomach of pain and disappointment in myself. Is this where I am suppose to be? Am I suppose to be a teacher ?

The Whitefire Theater is promoting their solofest. I thought about applying. I would write my own solo play! There’s a fee and it would have to be forty-five minutes. For a second, I was excited but I knew that forty-five minutes was a long time.

I had customers yelling at me for taking to long to bring stuff to them. I had aches in my body from working twelve hours a day. I had a migraine from fourth graders fighting over a handball game. Yet, I am blessed for having work. Thank you God.

I dream about finding the passion, peace and time to sew, to read great works of literature, to make films, to write about movies, to write books, to open my coffee/tea shop, to go to dinner during a week day, to live in my own home, to have my family and friends over for sleep overs, to paint, to learn to draw, to dress pretty, to have time to exercise again and so much more. To have a peace of mind to do the things that make me feel.

Cheers to things that make us feel.



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