I have been on this positive life high since the New Year and boy, did I come crashing down since my last blog post, which was last week.
I have been feeling overwhelmed, tired, depressed, hopeless, and burnt out. I have been trying to reflect on why emotions have changed so drastically.
First, I had an extremely long week at both my jobs. Kids, parents, customers, coworkers, and family were all overwhelming me. On top of trying to balance three jobs, I felt like I was lacking control and balance in my personal life. I was not able to take proper care of my mental or physical health. I had no time to give attention to the people I love, which isn’t who I am. I want to be there when someone I love needs me. To top it all off, I have been questioning all of my life choices, which I have mentioned before. My mind, body, and soul feel stuck. I feel like I am in quicksand and I have already reached the bottom and only my head is sticking out. I keep trying to pull myself out but it’s impossible.
I feel spiritually down. I feel hopeless like God doesn’t hear me.
I am so burnt out. I keep trying to shake the box but I keep seeing the same things. I don’t feel inspired. I want to do better but I just don’t know what to do. Literally, I have no idea. I ask myself these questions about my career every single day. Should I look for a job in the film industry again? Maybe work full-time somewhere? Should I stay where I am at? Should I work at a cafe to gain experience or should I just open the cafe? All of these questions. I am literally in this large white room in my head and all of these questions are floating around the room. Do you see it? Should I write a novel? Should I wait and not quit my current jobs just in case the housing market does crash?
I DON’T KNOW!
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to sleep and not worry about my problems. At the same time, I have had these questions for so long now. Why can’t I figure it out? Why is there a block? Why is there this intruding issue of indecisiveness? WHY? I just want to scream. I am angry and I feel like nothing ever works out for me. Nothing. I am hurt. I am angry. I feel like I suck.
Everyone always says that things will work out just the way it’s supposed to and what’s meant to be yours will be yours. I am losing hope. If it’s not meant to be then just take it away from me. I am suffering. I keep looking for someone to rescue me, guide me, but you know what it’s just not meant to be. The universe keeps telling me that it’s not meant to be but my mind won’t stop. My mind keeps searching.
I apologize for my sour blog tonight. I am frustrated clearly, and I needed to vent. I am fine.
I want to wish all the women out there Happy belated International Women’s Day.
Also, tomorrow is Mario Day aka Super Mario Bros day. To be honest, I have always been a Luigi girl myself and I am a bit peeved that Luigi doesn’t get his own holiday. Super Mario Bros means so much to me. It was a huge part of my childhood. My older brothers purchased it for us. Us, meaning the four younger siblings they had. We were poor and weren’t accustomed to fancy presents, therefore, it was a huge and memorable treat. My parents only allowed us to play the game during the summer when school was out. During the school year, we had to focus on our education and the games were too distracting. Every summer, my siblings and I would be glued to the screen playing the Super Mario Bro All-Stars. There were five games total in Super Mario Bro All-Stars. Since we only played the game during the Summers, it felt like a new game for us. There were so many different secrets to the game. It was so utterly exciting when we would find a new secret out in Super Mario World. To the surprise of many, I am a Mario expert because of my Summers playing these games. It’s my hidden talent. I have learned the culture of the game and I am able to find hidden secrets easily. As an adult, I still play Super Mario Bros and the updated games are just as fun. I still have my old Nintendo system, which is worth a lot of money now. I play the games on the Switch or the Nintendo 3DS now because I want to preserve my old Nintendo. Super Mario Bros means so much to me that words can’t explain it. My favorite costume or feature is the flying or the tanooki. My brothers and I have such good memories playing. I remember my cousins coming over just to have a chance to play on our Nintendo. Happy Mario Day. Got any stories?