I am writing to you today on my blog. It has been hard talking and sharing my feelings the last couple of weeks. One minute I want to word vomit and the next moment I am silent and nothing comes out. I have no energy to speak or feel. Certain moments trigger emotions though and I am grateful for that. Last Thursday, I ran into an old graduate school classmate when I was serving tables at my job. I have seen her there before but this time I took a moment to just acknowledge how beautiful this girl is. We aren’t close at all by the way. She is so well put together and I am sure she has a job lined up already. I was happy for her but I couldn’t help but bad for myself. So many of my peers have gone on to chase their dreams and here I was waiting tables. People yelling at me because of the high prices and the fact that were charging for bread now. During the day, I am a substitute teacher. I have two jobs that have no respect. I never thought teaching had no respect until a friend of mine said that to me. It hurt at first but she had a point. Everyone is always praising educators but why is the starting salary $46,000 a year? Teachers are setting up the foundation for the next generation of humanity yet were not respected the way doctors or lawyers or engineers are. You know God, my dad worked as a gas station manager for twenty-five years and I am not embarrassed at all. It was a hardworking, and honest job. I always remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of as long as I am doing honest work but sometimes society gets to me. I’m sorry. I am human.
On Friday morning, I received two job cancellations for the coming school year because the super intendant is getting stricter on the assignments that substitute teachers can take which means less work. Then my brother messages me telling me to teach adult school but that means I have to go back to school. I don’t want to go back. I have two degrees and it doesn’t feel like they’re doing anything so what’s more, is school going to do? I thought maybe he was right. A couple minutes later, another job leads that I had for teaching at a college called to tell me the answer is still no.
To top it off, I am not sure if you are following my blog series, Bla Bla Land, but it hasn’t been easy to write. It has resurfaced a lot of emotions. Sometimes I think I am just being dramatic about Hollywood. I wasn’t in it for that long and nothing crazy really happened other than rejection after rejection. It could have been worse, God. Yet, I am human and it does hurt, and it’s painful.
I have been told that my anger is justified. I am angry that I am not doing more. I am angry that I always get dead ends to the point that I don’t even bother trying. It’s emotionally exhausting. Today, I listened to a Khutbah (sermon) by Muslim, Ustad Nouman Ali. He brought up a story about a waitress and a story of when anger is justified. I thought, God are you talking to me because I am listening? I’ve been listening.
Ya Allah helps me find my way. Guide me.
There is so much anguish in me, God.
God, this blog has been going on for a couple of years now and I barely have readers. I love those that take the time to read each week. Thank you. I put my heart into this mess of a blog. Yet, is anyone even reading it? Dreams of teaching college, making movies to take to festivals, writing novels and memoirs, owning a home, and becoming physically fit are dreams. Yet, each one seems so out of my reach. I am tired, God. I love you so much but I am tired, God. I have so much gratitude for my eyes, ears, hands, legs, and just good health. I am thankful for my life. I pray for guidance and please don’t see me as ungrateful. Thank you for listening to me, God. I know this is a different form of prayer but it helps me a lot.