Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, the hadith outlines the story of a Bedouin man who was leaving his camel without tying it. The Prophet (PBUH) asked him “Why don’t you tie down your camel?” The Bedouin answered, “I put my trust in Allah.” The Prophet then replied, “Tie your camel first and then put your trust in Allah.
I am doing my part the best I can. I have been tieing my camel and trusting you. Yet, I am starting to realize that maybe I don’t deserve anything else. I have been thinking about my dreams. First, I found a potential spot for a coffee cart. Not a shop. I thought a cart would work better because I don’t want to commit to a physical location yet or ever. A physical location has a high overhead and requires me to really dedicate my whole life to it for a while. I am not sure I want to do that. I like to dabble in different things. I started to look over my old research for this endeavor. It’s been a while. I started trying to find equipment and making some calls. This unusual feeling came upon me though. What if this is something else I fail at? What if I don’t like it? What if this spot sucks? What if I spend all this money on equipment and I make no money? How do I create drinks? How do I even make this product that I want to sell? I tell myself that being a business owner means problem-solving. Then I asked myself do you even want this Frshta? My train of thought keeps going after that. Do I even want a house? Who wants a mortgage? Who wants to be house poor which is exactly what I am going to be. I don’t come from money. Am I even going to be able to afford it? A house requires so much money. Did I ever want a job in the film industry? Or did I not want to put in the work and pay my dues?
Am I lazy?
Or maybe I have been disappointed so often that I am just expecting more disappointment? Or is it just easier to go with the flow? When did I become like this and how do I get out? I feel like I am in quick sand and I am trying to find my inner passion and motivation. I am reaching for it but I can’t free myself. I can’t get out of the quick sand.
Last week, after I finally had free time after a long week something strange happened. I became depressed. I didn’t do anything I planned to do. None of my reading or writing that I was looking forward too. I just went through the motions of my plans for the weekend. I wanted to feel better so badly but I just felt numb and empty. It was just a bad couple of days with myself. I was exhausted of myself though.
Dear lord, bring peace to my life.