It is November. We have two months left in 2022. Another year has flown by.
This is the second week of my new position. So far, it has been mellow. There is not much to do yet. I have no students. Hopefully, next week. It is a new program for the school district and it will take some time. My class will be virtual. At first, I was excited about it but my mind is starting to change. I am on-site at a school. I am not part of that specific school but they are hosting me. My classroom is full of desks and chairs. Dust covers the top layer of everything in here. This room has been vacant for quite some time. This campus is very old so this room is very old which is fine but it has this eerie feeling to it. The whole campus feels eerie actually.
I have been feeling lonely. The campus is very much college-like since it is an adult school. Classes come and go from early morning to late in the evening. Most of my human interaction is in the office in the morning when I get my classroom key and then at 12pm when I drop off my key. I take a walk around campus to stretch my legs. It is quiet. The quiet and the loneliness is affecting me. I miss people. Working at the restaurant helps since I have complete human interaction there.
Still, life feels empty right now. I ponder about if I miss elementary school but the answer was no. I don’t miss it, I just got used to it. It is so loud on an elementary school campus. There are people everywhere. I got used to the familiar faces. I don’t miss the job though. I wish I did. I wish I loved it but I didn’t. I am not sure how much I am going to enjoy teaching English as a second language but it was an open door and I decided to take it. Humans usually reject change and have a hard time with it so I hope I will adjust soon. But, man, it’s so damn lonely.
On Sunday, I went to visit a coffee cart that I have been meaning to check out. The owner’s name is Ruby. She has been kind enough to share her knowledge of owning her own coffee cart. Her setup is so magical. She does it in the driveway of her home. She has signs to let her neighbors know and the community really supports her. I am such a people person but it can be a little scary when you are trying to make a good first impression. Ruby’s best advice was to get some experience with specialty coffee. Ruby is right but it has been a challenge actually doing it. I want to just jump right in and own my own cart but I know that is silly and ambitious. I truly believe I can do it even though I lack confidence. I don’t know enough. I watched Ruby talk to her neighbors and customers. I chatted with a few of them too. It was beautiful. I need the hands-on training but theirs an issue with working at a coffee shop. Everything from the schedule, to the income and so on. I am ready to lead my own business but I am not property-equipped. So now what? I just want to make some awesome drinks and connect with the world.
Right now, I work in the service industry and I feel like I have outgrown it. I learned everything I can. I am one of the two certified server trainers at the restaurant. I want to do more. Even as I am writing this, I am hoping I am making sense. My goal in life has never been to get rich. My goals have been to secure a house and make it into a home. I don’t need a fancy house just something cozy in a good area. This way I don’t have to pay rent for eternity. I have always wanted to follow a path that is led with passion but I lost passion and I am trying to reintroduce this concept to myself. I heard this quote by Radhi Devlukia Shetty. She said maybe you are feeling tired and have a lack of energy because you don’t love what you do. It was a moment for me. Even as I write this out right now, I am having this burst of emotions. Maybe I don’t like to teach. I feel tired every day. I feel this stress on my body. I don’t have the luxury of just changing jobs and to be honest..what would I even do. I feel like I am letting myself down. My jobs are easy and comfortable right now but I want to be challenged in a positive way. I want to make myself proud.
Frshta, you are such a force of energy and love. Find yourself. Take it one day at a time. Just keep looking for the next step. Frshta, I pray that you will find peace and happiness. I pray that you find your way to shining again. I pray for you to find your joy and spark again. Whatever that may be.
Special shout out to the madwitchfarms! Appreciate all the support. I love women who support other women. The coffee was amazing too! Here is their website!
2 thoughts on “#257 letting myself down”
i would like to say, have patience. It gets better 🙂
Thank you for reading.