Decembers are always hard. For me, it is a month of nostalgia for the past year and for previous years. Since the month started, my own mortality has been creeping into my mind. The mortality of the people I hold dear too. Another year has gone by. It is only the first week of December, and I feel emotional.
During the weekend, my sister, my sister and law, and I were having a conversation about the different relationship dynamics we all have with our parents and siblings.
My sister and I have a completely different relationship regarding our mother. For me, my mom is my mama, and for her, she is my mom.
My mom and my sister have struggled with their relationship from the beginning. My sister was the first-born girl in the family and learned to build walls at a young age. We were raised entirely differently. We were raised differently for many reasons, but I don’t blame my parents. They only did what they were taught in terms of raising children.
I expressed to my sister-in-law that I made a conscious effort to have a good relationship with my mom because I love her. Love isn’t enough for some relationships. My sister loves my mom, but it is difficult for them to communicate. My mom isn’t my best friend, and by no means do I tell my mom everything. My sister assumed that I learned to be open with my mom from my ex-best friend because she had a good relationship with her mom. It pissed me off. I do not want to give my ex-best friend any credit for any good in my life.
Since that conversation, my ex-best friend has been floating in and out of my mind. As I walk on the treadmill, I think about her and our lost friendship that once seemed unbreakable. It brings up other failed friendships and my current state of friendships. I am proud of myself because I have come a long way in having healthy friendships. I try my best to let the past stay in the past, but I am human, and sometimes the past creeps up on me. My last conversation with her was in December, which ended our friendship. I can’t even remember how long ago that was.
Other than ex-friends, I think of my brother, Yama, during December because it is the month he died. This year marks ten years since he left the human world. It hasn’t helped that my second oldest brother returned home this month after not being home for almost two months due to alcohol which led to Yama’s demise. It’s nice that he is home, but the withdrawals are real. Then, my third oldest brother ended up in the hospital because of high blood pressure, which reminded me of those December days when Yama was fighting his battle with addiction in the hospital.
December’s are hard for me.
I had a lot of good December, but the negatives outweigh the positives.
I vow to try and find peace in December and honor the pains I have endured. My scars make me human and have shown me to empathize with others. So yes, this is my December blues post. How do you feel about this month? Care to share and empathize with me? I’d love to hear it. I know how hard it is to share things that hurt us with others because, unfortunately, most people don’t care and are too selfish to even notice. Sometimes they notice, but they do not even bring it up because it makes them uncomfortable or ruins their time. So my readers, even if we don’t know each other, or if we do, I am here for you even if you weren’t there for me.
P.S. let’s enjoy ourselves the best we can