It is the last Wednesday blog for 2022, and that’s exciting. I’m looking forward to the new year. I love January, even though once upon a time, I didn’t. I learned to appreciate January for its calmness and quiet. Spring is around the corner, And Los Angeles is becoming more beautiful. The mountains turn green, and the air becomes crisp and clear. I’ve been working on loving December because I have notoriously always disliked December for many reasons. This year was different. I was present instead of in my ongoing thoughts. I tried my best to enjoy my time, and it worked! Although it hasn’t been the perfect holiday season, I have been enjoying myself more than I usually do. I am not doing anything crazy; just enjoying my time doing nothing or something mindless. It’s been great not having expectations for myself and letting that be okay.
There has been a lingering thought on my mind, but not a depressing one. I have revisited one of my favorite soundtracks, La La Land, by Damien Chazelle. I am a huge musical person, and I can’t wait to visit broadway and sing my heart out to show tunes.
Whenever I listen to La La Land, it’s a different experience each time. There have been times that I’ve listened to the soundtrack, which filled me with sadness, and other times where it has brought me absolute joy, and other times it has brought me motivation to keep going. This time around, it got me something completely different. This time I walked into the gym around 9 o’clock the day after Christmas. It was a quiet night at the gym, which I appreciated. I had been listening to the soundtrack of La La Land in the car, which continued as I entered the gym. I walked over to my usual treadmill but was not in the mood. Instead, I decided to hit the dance room. Surprisingly, only one person was there, and she was finishing up. The room was dark, and all of these mirrors surrounded me.
I put on my AirPods and took off my shoes. I started to dance, something I never do. Damien Chazelle has excellent taste in music and always makes me want to move, but I never do. I’m not a dancer and never will be, but I like to dream about dancing; I picture myself on a stage with bright light hitting my eyes. My reflection in the mirror right in front of me showed a chubby 30-year-old woman, but in my imagination, I was a slender young woman with elegance and rhythm. When my imagination dances, I am flawless, and the emotions I feel within me shine. I let my imagination take over and danced barefoot in the empty dance studio.
My hair was loose, and I let it fly everywhere, along with my dance moves. I bounced up and down on my tippy toes. I dropped down to the floor and got back up. I freestyled until the adrenal came down, and I realized how silly I looked. I hoped the front desk guy who watches the cameras wasn’t making fun of me to other employees. I stared at the mirror for a long while. I looked at the dark circles under my eyes and pale skin: my round face and thick body. The adrenal was fun while it lasted, but reality kicked in, but then another reality kicked in…this was awesome.
I had so much fun just moving my body freely. To feel freedom like no other. I laughed at myself and my endless insecurity and closed that negativity. Instead, I started looking up how much tap shoes are so I could learn how to tap dance before I die. To me, that is what life is turning into…things I want to do before I pass away. I want to leave the word to accomplish out. It is about the things I want to experience in this life. This life is a gift, and I want to thank God by following my heart. If God has given me the gift of creativity, then that is what I should incorporate into my life. It is a different perspective, but I will not lie…it is liberating to take the pressure off myself and live. Just live and keep it simple. Do things I want to do and don’t do what I don’t want to do. It brings me so much peace to feel this way, and I hope it continues and my perspective stays like this. My life was never about making hundreds of films or writing book after book. It was never about how much money am I going to make. It was supposed to be about the message in the one or two films I wanted to make. It was about the important message I wanted to share in my novels. Somewhere down the line, I lost my purpose for my dreams, but I am slowly resurrecting them. I am finding meaning behind my dreams. Although my dreams feel unreachable, I can’t see a path toward them. It’s okay; at least I have my imagination to imagine what it would be like, a worst-case scenario. As Rocky Balboa says, it ain’t so bad.
What a beautiful year, 2022.