Okay, I have procrastinated enough on writing tonight’s blog. You must be thinking, why? Don’t you love to write? Isn’t that why you write for the blog in the first place? You are right. I love to write. I love this blog. I just get overwhelmed by my overwhelming mind. I have so much I want to say or write bout sometimes, and when I try to get it on paper, it’s complex, or my brain freezes. I get bummed out when this happens because I have no idea how to write what I originally wanted to write about. Somedays, I am just tired. I try to push myself, but my brain is fried.
Today was a long day. I was late for my first job because it was raining and traffic was heavy. I spent four hours of teaching online and then off to lunch with my adopted grandpa, Lupe, for his 65th birthday. Lupe has two daughters who are married with kids, but he is not used to them. He is divorced and lives in a time bedroom…more like a laundry room. Lupe is the chef at the Italian restaurant I work at and has been calling me his granddaughter for the last seven years. There is a language barrier. My Spanish isn’t the best, and Lupe’s English isn’t excellent. Lupe has been out of work because he has been sick. He was in the hospital for a week and might retire soon. So, on his birthday, I decided to take him to lunch. It made me sad to think that he would be all by himself on his birthday, and honestly, I enjoy celebrating birthdays. But I felt tired today and wasn’t looking forward to it, but I still went. I tried the beef pepperoni pizza, but since I don’t eat pork…eating something that looked like pepperoni grossed me out. I was disappointed with the meal, but it was nice to see Lupe happy. Next, I went home and got ready for my second job. I left early enough but was still two minutes late to work. I looked at the reservation book, and we had a party of 13, a party of 8, and a part of 6. I thought, “great,” it will be a busy night, and I was already tired. Let me tell you something…it was crazy busy, and there were only two servers on the floor, one lazy-ass busser, and one manager. Since I am a senior server, the other server I work with thinks I can handle it all. So I served five parties, a party of 13,7,6,6 and 7, along with some smaller tables. My brain works better when I am busy. I could handle it without any flaws, but I really had to pee and was annoyed by how lazy the busser was. I was even more annoyed that the other server wasn’t pulling his weight. I took deep breaths to get myself through the night. I tried my best to smile even though, on the inside, I was overwhelmed. The customers were friendly; the gratuity was decent. I was running all over the place, but I got it done. Everyone was happy for the most part. Finally, when things started to calm down, I started hearing all this bullshit from the busser and the server, and I was so over it that I just ignored them. I did the side work and left.
Lately, I have been getting tired of my usual work routine. Same customers and the same drama every day. It has been hard to focus recently.
Ramadan is starting next week, and I keep thinking about how I will spend another year fasting as I feed other their dinner.
Living my true authentic genuine self has been a goal of mine. I am stepping closer to this goal every single day. As I have mentioned, it has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done.
Right now, at this moment, I am trying to tug myself back to staying present while my mind tries to spiral. I am improving at stopping myself from returning to my ways of thinking. I catch myself all the time. The struggle is real.
It isn’t just my mind but my food habits too. As you know, I completed about fifty days of the whole 30. I felt so incredible, but I fell off the boat at some point for various reasons. The whole 30 is not supposed to be done forever; instead, it encourages you to adapt it to your lifestyle and occasionally allows fun foods for everyone. It changed me, and I am so glad I finally completed the challenge after years of contemplating it. Right now, my diet is all over the place. First, I got tired of meat and the foods I ate. I am just tired of eating in general. I want to eat to fuel my body, but there is nothing healthy to eat most of the time. I am not the best cook. My chicken always comes out super hard, and my meats come out dry. I could create healthy, tasty foods if I had more time. I’ve also realized that I like to eat when I am bored. Yup. This is not a good thing at all. Whenever I am at my restaurant job, I want to order food but am not hungry. I want something too much on, but I don’t need anything. Sometimes I am hungry, but most of the time, I am fine.
Alright, there’s my procrastinated rant. I know it’s all over the place.